Girls, friends, and getting along

One of my daughter's had a moment the other day. Every woman knows about those moments when girls are getting along great and then the next they hate each other. We had friends over and of course three girls wanted to play something and one girl didn't want anything to do with it. Two out of the bunch attempted to include her but she didn't want anything to do with their plans. As the mom I discovered later she went off by herself to play with the cat with the hopes that some how the other girls would miss her, beg her to come back, and then miraculously without her saying a word would know what she wanted to play and what she was feeling. That of course didn't happen and she resorted to going to her room to feel sorry for herself.

I know every woman has been there. The moments when everyone is doing something you have no desire to do. The times you just don't fit with the group. The moments you can't relate to anything they are doing or saying. We have choices to make at those times just like my daughter did. Sometimes we sulk around hoping someone will notice, or maybe they'll finally include me, or maybe they'll miraculously want to do the things I like doing. The fact is that is rarely going to happen. People are not mind readers and most often they are busy with their own projects, worries, and concerns that they aren't even aware of your struggle.

I told my daughter that there is nothing wrong with not wanting to play what everyone else is playing. BUT, you have to give people alternatives. The game of give and take. Life doesn't always go our way with friendships. We give a little, we take a little. I shared with her that in the end you're never forced to play with anyone. We all have choices in relationships. In this particular situation with this child I knew she was more embarrassed by how she responded and she didn't want to go back to playing and have everyone look at her. I told her it was time to wipe her eyes, accept that it was ok to feel embarrassed and know that the longer she took to resolve the problem the more embarrassed she would feel. I told her there are times we have to choose to be kind even when we don't feel like it. This particular child struggles with expressing her thoughts to others. She'd rather have people guess what she is thinking. This was that time to help her realize that in order to have friends she'd have to give a little, but also learn to express her needs and desires to others. Sometimes as women I find in our friendships we don't often express our needs to others in our relationships. We just get frustrated that "nobody gets me", when in reality no one even knew they weren't "getting you".

This was a reminder to myself that with relationships it's ok that sometimes you just don't "fit". In life we have to find friends where there is give and take. If we're always in situations where it is all take and no give we become dry and drained of energy. One day at a time I'm learning there are times to let go of certain relationships that aren't beneficial and there are times when you know your place is to only give. The goal is finding that balance. I'm slowly learning to accept times and places in my life that certain relationships aren't my fit. It doesn't make those relationships bad, it's just not where I belong.

Just as I encouraged my daughter to not become frustrated with those not wanting to play her game. In my own relationships I'm learning as well that there is a time to keep and a time to let go. We have to teach our daughters to let others be themselves and if that isn't the game they want to play then find the people that do want to play your game but never become frustrated with those who are not like you.